Monthly Archives: July 2016

15 years

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The other day, the little house I bought when I was a single 29-year-old popped into my mind. It wasn’t anything extravagant;  a little 3-bedroom ranch, in an ok part of town. But it was mine. Where it was didn’t  seem too important. I never expected to be in it all that long. “The long drive to work will be ok,” I thought to myself,  “I don’t need to go out so much anyway. I will  be fine for a few years.” Just seemed like the thing to do.  I ended up being there for 15 years.

A lot happened during those 15 years in that little house; tons of miles on my car, new job, lots of dates, marriage, baby showers for friends, weddings. There were Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, going away parties, new friendships, and then separation, divorce and losing my dad … Yes .. A lot happened. Made me think about my recent townhouse purchase. This time, if I stay for 15 years, I will be 63.  63 … I have repeated that number in my head now for a few days. Does not sound possible.

Those 15 years in my little house felt so short, yet a lifetime seemed to happen there. Staying here in my townhouse isn’t mandatory, but if I do, what will these walls witness?  Will I be happy here? Things are so very different now.  Twelve years ago, a life with someone and having a family was a possibility; that, or at least part of that, has slipped away.  What else and who else will slip away? Who might enter my life?  Will the years fly by so quickly again?  Will I spend them alone? These are things I never put much thought into in the past, but time has become more insistent; it’s telling me it waits for no one or anything.

I have no real plan on how to proceed with my future.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.  Plans can go terribly wrong and leave you disappointed or worse yet, heartbroken.  No plan, and I may drift aimlessly about or become a hermit and binge watch Netflix.  Neither sounds appealing. So for now, I’m going to plan to at least not let either happen.  I may need some company on this journey so please leave any comments or thoughts you have on dealing with the inevitable process of aging.

***Note – this little 63 moment I had freaked me out so much, I spent an hour in a half on the phone with a financial advisor. I must at least have a plan to support my cats ….

Don’t woo me with words and leave me hanging

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actions

Today’s dating world is miles apart from the dating days of my youth. And I say that with a smirk.  I never dated until I was in college. Maybe I missed out on the basics 101 of dating?  Still though, it was a time before cell phones, Facebook, texting and online dating.  People met through friends, at school or out somewhere; a conversation ensued and numbers were exchanged.  A date was arranged and the guy would pick up the girl and out they would go for drinks or dinner or a movie.  Time was spent together along with long chats on the phone. Oh how things have changed.  Now, your fate depends on a left or right swipe and a short paragraph that’s supposed to grab someone’s attention. Introductions are made through text or emails. To think about how many texts I’ve received over the past five years is mind boggling.  Conversations have been diminished  to short little texts with an emoji that’s supposed to express the mood of the words… which aren’t even words anymore… BFF, BRB, LOL, WRUD…. And sexting. Really???  I’ve never felt less sexy.  And for someone to push that in my face when they don’t even know me, well… it’s a bit degrading.  How are you supposed to get to know someone that way?  You can’t.  Relationships aren’t built on emojis and dirty one-liners from pornos. Does anyone have basic conversation skills anymore?  Men and women have enough communication problems without this mess.

I could fill pages ranting on texting in the dating arena and dating in general. I admit, I rely heavily on texting concerning my friends.  But in dating, no.. It should not be the main mode of communication when trying to get to know someone. When that becomes the case,  I’ve learned to pay attention to actions. “Actions speak louder than words.” It’s a saying we’ve all heard but pay little attention.  Words are easy.  Made even easier by the impersonal text, which is also very one-dimensional.  With text, you have no references: was there a joking smile with a comment or a wink of an eye?  Was their tone of voice serious?  Did the person look away or make eye contact?  There’s no touch of a hand for reassurance.  It’s not a good vehicle to share and express emotions and feelings. We read into them what we want.   I was seeing someone who knew exactly what to say to me.  He flattered me with  sweet little texts every morning and throughout the day and I fell for it.   Who doesn’t want to hear they are beautiful?  Isn’t it wonderful to read that someone’s thinking of you and wants to see you?  It was short-lived bliss.  When confronted with the question  “when will I see you?” and all he had were excuses, the gig was up.  The sweet sentiment of his words were lost on his actions.

Begging someone to be apart of our lives shouldn’t be a part of the dating equation.  If it is, then it’s not meant to be.  We shouldn’t be left wondering what that I ♥ U!! truly means or if  WRUD really means they are interested and want to see us.  Our actions reveal our true intentions.  If feelings are mutual, finding time to talk and be together is something you just do. It’s really that simple.

 

 

 

Finding Passion Again

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beading stuff

To say I used to be into beading and jewelry making is a slight understatement. I was slightly obsessed with it.  That was before I got married, about 15 or so years ago. The collection of beading supplies accumulated during those couple of years and I delighted in making pieces for friends and family. But life changes; the ex took over the craft room playing online racing games with his friends.  Not a conducive atmosphere for creativity.  Things got packed away.

I’ve not thought too much about that stuff in a long time, but it has survived the past two cuts of purging. The thought of donating it would flit through my brain – briefly, but ultimately, it would just get packed away  again and forgotten.  Until…  I was out shopping with a friend last week and saw a few pieces of crocheted beaded jewelry I really liked.  Then I looked at the price.   Ouch.  Thrifty has become a state-of-mind for me. If I think it’s something I can do myself, I won’t buy it. I started thinking about my beading hoard in the storage closet.  It haunted me for a week.  Yesterday, I took a trip to Michael’s , bought myself a crochet needle and cord and  decided to teach myself some simple crocheting (which is not so simple…).  Last night, after years of being packed away, the storage container came out and my eyes feasted on all of my beading treasures.

I spent an hour sifting through all of the trinkets: different beads and stones, wire, threading material, findings, pliers, snips etc. Thoughts of how I poured myself into a piece I was making crossed my mind.  Hours were spent at the craft store searching for the perfect beads or stones.  Once home, I would spend another few hours arranging and rearranging the beads and stones on my bead board until I found a pattern that felt right.  Then the stringing and wire process would begin.  I would be lost in concentration not thinking or worrying about anything else.  And at the end, with a stiff neck and sore fingers,  I would take a deep breath and smile at the completed piece of jewelry.

To be honest, I’ve felt a bit restless, unfocused, uninspired and unfulfilled for the last several years, except when I was traveling and that’s not an option at the moment.   My little crate seating patio project was the first glint of creativity and feeling good I’ve had in a long time.  It was a bit like finishing a piece of jewelry.  Taking an idea and seeing it through and having something done by my own hands.  So why have I waited so long to bring out the trinkets stashed away in the closet?  Why do we give up on things we know make us happy, yet spend so much energy on things that only bring us misery?

crochetRight now, I have too much time to think about things; Netflix and I are getting way too close and the dating scene does not seem to agree with me. On top of that, I’ve promised myself to keep a better tab on my spending. I really want that beaded crocheted-wrap bracelet in the store, but I’m going to make it.  This crochet thing may be a little tricky, but that’s ok.  I have plenty of time to myself to work on that skill.  And what better way to indulge myself than to reignite an old love and find some passion in it again.