Tag Archives: alone

15 years

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The other day, the little house I bought when I was a single 29-year-old popped into my mind. It wasn’t anything extravagant;  a little 3-bedroom ranch, in an ok part of town. But it was mine. Where it was didn’t  seem too important. I never expected to be in it all that long. “The long drive to work will be ok,” I thought to myself,  “I don’t need to go out so much anyway. I will  be fine for a few years.” Just seemed like the thing to do.  I ended up being there for 15 years.

A lot happened during those 15 years in that little house; tons of miles on my car, new job, lots of dates, marriage, baby showers for friends, weddings. There were Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, going away parties, new friendships, and then separation, divorce and losing my dad … Yes .. A lot happened. Made me think about my recent townhouse purchase. This time, if I stay for 15 years, I will be 63.  63 … I have repeated that number in my head now for a few days. Does not sound possible.

Those 15 years in my little house felt so short, yet a lifetime seemed to happen there. Staying here in my townhouse isn’t mandatory, but if I do, what will these walls witness?  Will I be happy here? Things are so very different now.  Twelve years ago, a life with someone and having a family was a possibility; that, or at least part of that, has slipped away.  What else and who else will slip away? Who might enter my life?  Will the years fly by so quickly again?  Will I spend them alone? These are things I never put much thought into in the past, but time has become more insistent; it’s telling me it waits for no one or anything.

I have no real plan on how to proceed with my future.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.  Plans can go terribly wrong and leave you disappointed or worse yet, heartbroken.  No plan, and I may drift aimlessly about or become a hermit and binge watch Netflix.  Neither sounds appealing. So for now, I’m going to plan to at least not let either happen.  I may need some company on this journey so please leave any comments or thoughts you have on dealing with the inevitable process of aging.

***Note – this little 63 moment I had freaked me out so much, I spent an hour in a half on the phone with a financial advisor. I must at least have a plan to support my cats ….

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My Chakras are Out-Of-Whack

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So I’ve been on this pursuit of finding internal happiness. I’ve tried tackling this restless, unsettled moodiness in several different ways this year. First, I decided to put a halt on dating. My train of thought being if this online dating stuff was stressing me out so much, maybe if I remove the source of stress, I would feel better. That has worked to a point. It is nice not worrying about if you’re going to hear from someone, what their intentions are, do we want the same things, how many other people are they seeing etc. I no longer feel the need to constantly check my messages and the feeling of being disposable is gone. On the other hand, I do miss the companionship, because when you are with the right person, it warms you up inside. Humans are social creatures and we seek companionship. I have wonderful friends, but that’s clearly not the same kind of feeling. I miss the warmth and intimacy shared with a special person.

Another one of my tactics was to travel more. That’s always been my biggest dream – travel, travel, travel. And I did do that this year. In April, I took a wonderfully relaxing trip to the Dominican Republic with a college friend. We used to go places all the time, but lives change and we hadn’t been on a trip together in a very long time. It was fun to reconnect and experience a new place together. Croatia was next in August. Another friend and I had talked about taking a BIG trip since the beginning of the year. We finally settled on one and booked it in June. For the next 2 ½ months, that’s where my mind was. I was so excited. I guess you could say I was just living for the future. It was a fantastic trip. It has left me wanting more travel… So, since our return, I’ve struggled with holding on to that excited, happy feeling. I obviously can’t travel all of the time… unless someone wants to give me job doing so???? Anyone, anyone..Bueller???

Ah, so here I am. Seems I’ve come to a fork in the road. I am looking for more challenges at work, which I think would help me focus there. I do much better when I’m challenged. Too much free time leads to too much thinking and leads to very long days. Dating again?? Still debating on that one… it’s quite obvious I avoid dating to avoid dealing with rejection and hurt, but you can only avoid things for so long… or maybe I could just become the crazy cat lady with 15 cats. But I really don’t want that. But I have the distinct feeling I need something more.

I have now become that person who lurks in the self-help section of the bookstore and Googles articles on finding happiness… hence my last post on hygge. (My brother is now rolling his eyes…) After some reading, I started thinking maybe I’m looking for inner peace? Yoga crossed my mind. I came across a yoga website, which lead me to taking a Chakra Test  http://www.chakrahealing.com . I don’t even know what ”chakra” is, but apparently mine are not in a good state. They are all either closed or weak.

chakra-healing

What the hell is chakra? Well, there are seven actually. I can’t interpret any better, so here’s the definition given on http://www.chopra.com:

The Sanskrit word Chakra literally translates to wheel or disk. In yoga, meditation, and Ayurveda, this term refers to wheels of energy throughout the body. There are seven main chakras, which align the spine, starting from the base of the spine through to the crown of the head. To visualize a chakra in the body, imagine a swirling wheel of energy where matter and consciousness meet. This invisible energy, called Prana, is vital life force, which keeps us vibrant, healthy, and alive.

Jeez..I need to learn an entire new language. Going on this theory, I feel so blah because my “energy does not flow.” According to the online test, five of my chakra’s are closed and the other two are weak. No wonder I’m a mess! What’s really enlightening are what the signs, or shall I say symptoms, are. Why? Because they so resonate with how I’ve been feeling.

A short summary from my test results on my closed chakra’s:

  •  If your Foot Chakra is CLOSED you feel ungrounded and confused about your life path and the direction you want to move forward on. You feel blocked and question your choices and lack confidence in your decisions.

Exactly… I feel so restless and ungrounded..ugh

  • If your Personal Power Chakra is CLOSED you tend to struggle with self-esteem issues, and feelings of unworthiness. You tend to question yourself when faced with important decisions like whether to move to another city, change your career, get married to your partner or to have children.

I never thought I had self-esteem issues, but maybe I do, especially when it comes to relationships.

  • If your Heart Chakra is CLOSED, you tend to sabotage your relationships with distrust, anger, and a sense that you’ll lose your independence if you rely too much on others. You may struggle with commitment, experience frequent fights or misunderstandings with your loved ones, and always keep yourself “on guard” in case you get hurt by someone.

OH BOY.. I’ve definitely done this is the past, which is the reason I avoid dating all together. And I do strongly relish my independence.

  • If your Intuitive Chakra is CLOSED, you have the tendency to feel helpless or lost when faced with decisions and judgment calls. You are indecisive, uncommitted and unconfident of the decisions you end up making, because you have a history of making the wrong ones.

Not in total agreement with this. Yes, I’ll admit I’ve made some bad choices in the past (haven’t we all?), but I don’t necessarily feel helpless. I like to think I’m proactive – which is the reason I’m reading all this stuff.

  • If your Crown Chakra CLOSED you tend to feel little or no connection to a higher power, and always feel alone. You feel unworthy of spiritual help, and perhaps even angry that your higher power has abandoned you. You often suffer from migraines and tension headaches.

And as I said, I do miss companionship so maybe I do feel somewhat alone. And yes, I have a headache right now.

How do I open my chakras? Well, for the rock-bottom price of $199 for the digital version and $249 for the physical version, I can learn how. LOL There’s always a price to pay. I’m sure this all has some true meaning and can help, but this is a lot to take in. Do I need to spend $200 to find balance? I think I may approach this in a more practical way. Maybe I will look for some yoga classes. I have taken some and I do feel better after them. I once went to a hot yoga candle light deep stretch. That was WONDERFUL. If I can relax, maybe my brain will settle down. If my brain settles down, then maybe I can start making some headway on where I want to be. If anyone has any thoughts on chakras or getting started in yoga and meditation, PLEASE let me know!

Namaste (not really sure what that means either.)

Unexpected Lessons

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After a few beers Friday night in Charleston, I thought to myself, “I’m here with 3 people I didn’t know last year, watching a band from my past (Hootie and the Blowfish – always a great time), and having a blast.” I felt good (no, I wasn’t drunk…). It was a satisfied feeling.  I thought about that feeling as I took a break last night from packing for my awesome trip to CROATIA in 4 DAYS (just a little excited)!

hootie

This time last year, I would never have dreamed I would be preparing for a trip to Croatia.  I was in the throes of the dating world; well, trying to date anyway. It was just one crappy situation after another. When I made the decision to take a dating hiatus as part of my New Year’s Resolution, it was out of sheer irritation, annoyance and frustration…with the guys and me.  There was never the thought of “I should take some time to ‘find myself’.”  I was just done.  But life has a way of teaching you lessons you don’t expect.

My stress level decreased tremendously once I stopped the online dating circus. I didn’t realize how much it did stress me until I was done with it. Then I just relaxed and started thinking about things that truly make me happy.  I started taking action: Instead of browsing for men, I started browsing for exciting trips; in the spring it was the Dominican Republic.  I focused on making new friends, trying new classes at the gym – barre is a KILLER – starting this blog, and just getting out and about; essentially, taking care of myself, mentally and physically. I stopped focusing on finding someone and turned my sights on doing things and for the first time in a very long time, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  And I’ve had tons of fun without all of the drama!  That makes me happy… and when you are happy, people want to be around you. Funny how that works.

I cherish the friends I’ve had for years and am so fortune they are still in my life.  It has been a lifesaver reconnecting with old friends, but lives change. I thought it would be very hard to make new friends. And it does get harder as we get older, but I’ve managed to make some terrific new friends who are in the same place in their lives. I have new adventure buddies! None of which I would have met if I had continued with life as is – miserable.  There have been so many changes in my life over the past 5 years: separation and divorce,  losing my father, selling my home and a multitude of bad dating situations.  Regardless though, life doesn’t end with divorce or when you lose someone and it certainly doesn’t end in your 40’s! I think my true life is just beginning.

Will I enter the dating world again? I’m sure I will. Let’s be honest, it can be very entertaining (especially for blogging…) and it is human nature to seek companionship. However, there is a big difference in being alone vs. being lonely. I’m not lonely and I haven’t missed dating. My life feels satisfying now. I value my independence.  When I decide to date again, I will have a new perspective, a new set of rules and high expectations for myself and the other person. I won’t let that world drive me to near craziness again.